Our Children Will Party on the Moon.

So according to this website, someone has brewed a beer specifically for drinking in space. As an avid beer drinker, my first thought was "FUCK yes, Space Beer! This is mankind's crowning achievement!" I was genuinely excited by the prospect that maybe, just maybe I could drink a beer in outer space before I die.

Then I thought about it. When I drink beer, I do not drink just one beer unless that is all I can afford. Mind you, since you pay eight dollars for a can of Budweiser at a concert, Space Beer would probably cost something like seven hundred dollars an ounce so I would spend more getting drunk in space than actually getting to space. But space stations are by nature very delicate, expensive, and precise pieces of machinery, and given that drunk people should not be near anything delicate, this seems like a disaster waiting to happen. Maybe they can make a big padded room for all the drunks to go play around in zero gravity.

But just getting to space would be an arduous task. Using current rocket technology, a Space tourist would be subjected to around three gs of force for roughly ten minutes on the journey to the starry voids above, which is comparable to the force you feel on some roller coasters. I don't think that it would be a crippling experience, but I certainly would not be in the mood to get hammered afterward.

Well, let's say that you have taken this flight into space with no ill effects, other than you are very thirsty. So you walk over to the Crab Nebula Bar and Grill. The pretty Space Waitress walks over to you and you order up a Space Beer and suck it down. It was pretty good, so you get another. And another. And another. At some point, you probably eat a Space Burger and wash it down with yet another Space Beer. At this point, you are five beers deep into your Space Party over fifty miles above the Earth's surface. What else is fun in Space? There's a Space Tennis court down in Sector Alpha and a bunch of gift shops selling Moon rocks and other cosmic debris, as well as kitschy tourist garbage you can't afford because you spent all your money on Space Beer. But for the most part, there's just these lame observation decks with windows and tables in front of them. You try to look out the window but the vast and limitless expanse in front of you doesn't translate well into double vision and it makes you dizzy. You try to lean on the table nonchalantly in lieu of real activity.

The pretty Space Waitress from the Crab Nebula Bar notices your plight, and helpfully directs you to the Drunk Tank. You stumble down the hallways and corridors in search of it. When you arrive, you find a gigantic padded room with people just floating around in it. NO WAY. Zero gravity?! Awesome! Unable to contain your excitement, you run/stumble inside and immediately launch into the air with a tremendous leap. For the first five minutes, you are having the time of your life.

Then it all starts to go wrong. The Space Burger and the Space Beers have been meeting secretly in your stomach, planning their escape. You become wise to their games, but it is already far too late. You try to brace yourself, but how the hell can you do that when you're floating upside down in a big padded room with no gravity?

So you awkwardly curl up in the fetal position, your momentum making you spin downward ever so slightly. There is a brief moment of anticipation, like something is welling up inside of you. Then it is welling up and out of you. The force of your vomiting makes you curl up even more, so not only are you sending a small fortune in half digested Space Food floating across the room, you are also coating yourself in it. And then you aren't allowed to drink in space anymore. And man, which poor sap has to clean the vomit out of this big zero gravity drunken playhouse? How much does that guy make?

Not nearly enough, if they're making him clean up puke in zero gravity with a net. I just can't imagine any other way to do it right now, so his job sucks a little extra.

The crazy thing is, Boeing wants to start ferrying tourists to space within the next five years. So for our children, this will probably be an average night.