More Embarrassing Stories From Childhood

1) I AM MORTAL COMBAT!

I was something like four and a half years old when Mortal Kombat came out and boy, did I love it. For a few months, I was glued to my Sega controller, shedding the blood of every opponent on the Easy difficulty setting. I ate, slept, and breathed Mortal Kombat. My favorite characters were Scorpion and Johnny Cage, and when one of my siblings managed to pry me away from the TV, I would pretend to be fighting Liu Kang and Goro in our backyard. Sometimes I would be Scorpion, but mostly I was Johnny Cage. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Mortal Kombat, the character Johnny Cage had a special move where he would do a split and punch his enemy in the groin. One day my dad saw me in the backyard, doing my best to imitate this particular move. He found it amusing to the point that he actually encouraged me to perform this attack on one of his coworkers at a company picnic.

Everyone(except the guy I punched in the dick) laughed uproariously, and I thought that I had genuinely just done something awesome. From that point on, I became the scourge of the household. My sister's male friends were all afraid to come over because they knew I would be lurking behind the couch or in the stairwell, just waiting to do my Johnny Cage impression.

2) First Blood.

This is another story I have no recollection of. I am told that when I was two years old, my sister had a pet parakeet named Kiki. Anyhow, Kiki was my sister's pride and joy. He would sit on her shoulder while she took showers, chirping things like "Kiki pretty bird?" over and over with more indignance until you finally answered him. Kiki was also kind of a bastard, and hated every member of the household but my sister.

Well one day, Kiki got out of his cage somehow and was hopping across the living room floor. Trying to be a helpful little brother, I bent down to pick up the bird and put him back where he belonged, and that's when the trouble started.

 

My sister was beside herself with rage and grief. Her two year old brother had just stomped her beloved pet bird to death in front of her, so of course she was crying and screaming. "You have to do something about him! He's going to grow up to become a serial killer!" She bawled as she slammed the door to her bedroom.

So far I've managed to make it through life without killing anyone. So eat it, sis.