I'm sorry if you read this.

I was going to write about my day on here, leading up to a sort of epiphany. Not really a life-altering realization or anything, just the summation of a lot of scattered thoughts; a sigh of relief as if finding the answer to a complex puzzle. And I've built it up too much already, so I'm just going to say it.

I'm always falling in and out of love with you.







.....




That isn't a good way to end a blog post. I thought I was going to stop being a whiny bitch on the internet.

So let me explain a bit.  Of course, that's about my first real love. I've always been infatuated with the idea of love, growing up watching romance movies. But I've written about that all before in my past, no need to re-hash. Returning to point, I've maintained a good relationship with this girl that I dated five years ago. I know, right? Five years. And I'm still writing about this same girl.

Maybe it's because I haven't really found anybody else in those five years, but sometimes when I talk to her, some tone of voice or simple unconscious gesture will remind me that once, we loved each other. And when I say that I'm always falling in and out of love with her, I mean that when she laughs, for a brief second or two my heart melts a little bit, but then the spell is broken. I remember that we are better as friends than lovers. There really isn't any resentment in that statement. I understand and accept that this is how we are. I wish it could have been different, but then I would be different too. We literally took two different paths in life after the break up. I worked and partied while she went to college. Had I stuck with her, that wouldn't have been my life. I probably would have went to college too, and we probably would have broken up at some point anyway.

I don't regret the person I've become, because I'm constantly becoming a new person. Some of my lessons have been hard won, but that's life. I'll never know who else I could have become, but maybe I can see the person I am yet to become. Our love, that was a lesson for both of us, whatever it meant. For me, that answer is constantly changing and I can't ever fully pin it down. Not when I keep falling in and out of love with you.




There. That's better.