"I'm turning into someone that I never thought I'd have to be again."

I've noticed more patterns with my stupid heart. It always begins when the girl in question starts being nice to me. I begin falling in love. As soon as the girl says "I love you Adam", I'm hooked, even if that statement is rooted in a totally platonic, friendship-only kind of way. Then there's this giddy period of about two weeks where she is my entire world. I'm high on love, high on hoping that finally I've found what I've been looking for. And after that two weeks, I start turning mean and resentful when we aren't together. It becomes an all-consuming obsession, her face on my mind every hour of the day, keeping me from sleeping even.

I try talking this out with the girl in question, and all I end up doing is scaring her away or becoming more bitter about the whole situation. I tell her that I'm madly in love with her, and all that does is breed pity in some cases, and chases her away in others.

So. I've identified the pattern. But where's the root of the problem? Is it that I want love so badly that I fall hard and fast for any girl that shows me the slightest bit of attention? Is it that I'm looking too hard, or is it that what I'm looking for doesn't really exist? I've always wanted that fairy tale kind of love. It's the only definition I really accept.

I guess part of my problem is that deep in my heart, I truly believe that the only reason people don't find a perfect love is that they don't really look for it, that they settle for less and suffer for it. I've been looking for a long time. Four times now, I've thought I've found it. Four times, I've been dead wrong. Four times, I've torn myself to pieces worrying that I'll never find someone that's right for me that I'm right for too. Four times, my bitterness with the whole business has increased exponentially.

I am not a patient person. This might have something to do with why these situations always turn sour. As soon as I think I see something deep and real and amazing, I jump all over it and smother it. I need to learn patience. This, I think, might be the crux of the whole issue. Given the opportunity and the proper circumstances, everything else about me would make an excellent partner. Patience. Forgiveness. Understanding. These are the things I need.