Jumbled thoughts on moving

It is 9:55 PM on a Friday night as I start writing. I have a wedding to attend tomorrow at 3 PM. I tried getting ahold of Paul, the first person I met when I moved to Pennsylvania in the summer of 1999. We were supposed to hang out today, but he never responded so I'm spending this night packing boxes and reading Harry Potter. For the first time since I've had to seriously consider the fact that I'm only spending another month and a half in this house, it hit me just how much has transpired in this place. I was packing cds into a box when I realized that I had lived here more or less for five years. I've written and recorded my two latest albums in this house. Hell, I even lost my virginity here. This is the first big move that I've undertaken in almost 12 years.

That being said, I don't feel all that sad about leaving this house, or even this area. Memories don't fade just because you're no longer in the same place that you made them.

And what follows is simply a wishful-thinking kind of to-do list, for after I move.

1) Become a licensed driver
2) Quit smoking cigarettes
3) Drop about fifty pounds
4) Become a morning person
5) No more fried foods
6) Become more outgoing in social situations
7) Play some open mic nights in the Indianapolis area
8) Continue learning how to sing and play piano
9) Stay in touch with all of my Pennsylvania friends, as well as my Texas friends
10) Learn some responsibility
11) Save up four or five grand to take my parents and I on a fishing trip to Canada
12) Remember what it's like to be sober
13) Save up two grand of my own, and keep it that way
14) Meet the girl of my dreams
15) Continue writing songs
16) Don't go crazy
17) Catch some really awesome concerts
18) Finish the screenplays I've started
19) Successfully adapt myself to a new environment with all new people
20) Meditate regularly
21) Stay happy

Really? You could only muster one sentence for this post?

Out of all the mixed feelings I have about moving to Indiana, right now the most prevalent is the sort of sweet triumph in knowing that come August 1st, I won't be living in a slanting, crooked ass, ant infested sweatbox of a house.

I'm sorry if you read this.

I was going to write about my day on here, leading up to a sort of epiphany. Not really a life-altering realization or anything, just the summation of a lot of scattered thoughts; a sigh of relief as if finding the answer to a complex puzzle. And I've built it up too much already, so I'm just going to say it.

I'm always falling in and out of love with you.







.....




That isn't a good way to end a blog post. I thought I was going to stop being a whiny bitch on the internet.

So let me explain a bit.  Of course, that's about my first real love. I've always been infatuated with the idea of love, growing up watching romance movies. But I've written about that all before in my past, no need to re-hash. Returning to point, I've maintained a good relationship with this girl that I dated five years ago. I know, right? Five years. And I'm still writing about this same girl.

Maybe it's because I haven't really found anybody else in those five years, but sometimes when I talk to her, some tone of voice or simple unconscious gesture will remind me that once, we loved each other. And when I say that I'm always falling in and out of love with her, I mean that when she laughs, for a brief second or two my heart melts a little bit, but then the spell is broken. I remember that we are better as friends than lovers. There really isn't any resentment in that statement. I understand and accept that this is how we are. I wish it could have been different, but then I would be different too. We literally took two different paths in life after the break up. I worked and partied while she went to college. Had I stuck with her, that wouldn't have been my life. I probably would have went to college too, and we probably would have broken up at some point anyway.

I don't regret the person I've become, because I'm constantly becoming a new person. Some of my lessons have been hard won, but that's life. I'll never know who else I could have become, but maybe I can see the person I am yet to become. Our love, that was a lesson for both of us, whatever it meant. For me, that answer is constantly changing and I can't ever fully pin it down. Not when I keep falling in and out of love with you.




There. That's better.

An early goodbye.

It looks like I'm moving to scenic Ingalls, Indiana at the beginning of August. My father put a down payment on a house there, and as I am currently living with my parents, I have two options:

A) Get a job, find a roommate, get my license, and live paycheck to paycheck here when they leave, or
B) Get my license, move with them, find a job there, save up a bunch of money, and eventually come back.

Option A wouldn't be so bad. It would be a necessary change in my life, a catalyst that I'm so desperately in need of. I would still be living among friends, and I would be mostly happy, I think.

But as always, there's a catch. My dad might be back to work now and all, but he still had a heart attack like exactly two months ago. While he's recovering, I need to stay with my parents and help any way I can. On top of that, returning to the idea of a catalyst, I would be moving to a place that's maybe a half an hour from Indianapolis. I've never lived near a city, except when I was very young and lived in Beech Grove, Indiana. I guess ultimately I feel that being uprooted and forced to adapt to a new environment would do me some good. I'd have time to reflect, grow up a little bit, and hopefully improve myself.

I hate to feel like I'm abandoning everyone I know, but it's only a seven hour drive from Ingalls to Dubois. I can be back to visit at least once a month, because my first priority when I get out there is being able to drive. I'll still be in touch. Eventually, I know I'd be moving back. I just feel like I need some time away from this place while I'm still young.

Two passing thoughts:

One-

Hey person from England that found my blog by searching "Tales of the boner" in Google with safesearch off- High fives! You are a classy individual indeed. I just wish you would have commented or something. I'm dying to know what you were really looking for when you stumbled across my ramblings, but in any case I'm sure it wasn't a story about the time my band played in Connecticut.

Two-

I'm not sure why, or even when this really started, but recently I've developed a habit where I flip off my computer every time I close a window. It's kinda stupid but I just can't stop. It's like, "Fuck you computer, I have better things to do. Um... now that I'm done using you."

That kinda makes me feel bad, now that I think of it. Dear lovely computer, I promise to get up early tomorrow and take you out to breakfast. So you know I really care about you, and I'm not just using you for my own selfish purposes.