I should not be near a computer right now.

It is six twenty AM eastern standard time as of right now. I have been up all night doing all sorts of productive things, and now, while I wait for a load of laundry to finish(and more importantly my bagel bites to finish cooking. Hooray breakfast!) I am trying with all of my half asleep might to keep some of that nervous energy that I've been running on for the past four hours. So this post is an ode to my new favorite movie of all time, Machete.

I, like most everyone else, got my first glorious taste of Machete's badassery from the fake trailer packaged with Planet Terror, which is another fine film deserving of its own post. I was completely stunned, and watched the Machete trailer at least five times before letting the actual movie play.

This is why Planet Terror is second best movie ever.

 Despite the above awesomeness, Planet Terror is The Sound of Music compared to Machete. Robert Rodriguez has created the best movie that has ever been made. Nothing else can come close to what this movie delivers,

Let's go down the check list for an awesome action movie:

Boobs: Oh lord yes. A nude Lindsay Lohan(albeit with a body double in the most revealing scenes), Jessica Alba, and some nice ladies whose names I did not catch in the credits. Boob quota has most certainly been reached.

Body count: Not totally sure, but at least a few hundred people. Some of the deaths are pretty spectacular. Check out the death of Steven Seagal's character Torrez at the end of the film, along with some motorcycle-gatling gun shenanigans.

Epic...ness? : Very epic. Like most action films, the bad guys were involved in a vast conspiracy involving mexican drug money, a Texas senator, and a group of vigilantes that shoot Mexicans crossing the border. And of course, His Awesomeness Machete gets sucked into the heart of things. 

The funny: Above all else, Machete is really goddamn funny. There's a fight scene with a weedwhacker, no less than 5 decapitations within the first ten minutes of the movie, a great scene where Machete kills someone with a thermometer, and so many other things that I wish I could tell you about without ruining everything that is great about this film.